The Emotional Need for External Validation

Hello, world! I’m Joy, but my family calls me Judgie. Not because I am judgemental, the rumor goes, but because I just look like a Judgie. (Go ahead and insert an eye roll emoji there. It won’t bother me.)

So, I’m going to go with this. I am not judgmental. I AM NOT GOING TO JUDGE. And in an attempt to suspend all unhealthy judgment towards the following revelation, I am going to make this statement sound as matter-of-factly as possible. 

I need external validation from others to exist happily. 

Whoa. I know. It’s a loaded one, because we are not supposed to say that. We are not even supposed to feel that. Don’t believe me? Go google “I need external validation.” All the top results are telling you to stop feeling that way.  I get it. They say the emotional need for external validation is all wrong.

But, I am not here to tell myself, or even you, that your feelings are wrong. Remember, I am not judging, okay? At some point, we all want validation from others. For full transparency and relief in my lungs, as of today, here’s my current list of people I crave validation from (you might have a similar list):

• My mother
• My deceased father
• My boss/coworkers
• This guy I met on a dating app (Okay, ALL the guys I’ve met on a dating app)

If it wasn’t for a healthy reference to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I really would think that I was crazy with this list. I mean, who needs validation from their deceased father? Ugh. That one’s not coming, I suppose. Chalk it up to bygones. And intellectually, I know people don’t want to admit that in their 30s they still need mommy approval. But I do. Although, the kicker on this is that all too common “guy I met on a dating app” approval.  I feel a twinge of pain in my belly just typing it. Yeah, I would think I was crazy if Maslow hadn’t already cemented in most of the minds of the psychological profession that we do, in fact, have a need for love and belonging. It’s a need that has to be satisfied before we can even reach self-actualization, before we can be our best human selves. 

So, I’m not crazy. You’re not crazy. We are simply fully human. The emotional need for external validation is real. However, it still bothers me how much I need validation from these men I just met online! Do all women feel this way or just the insecure, anxiously attached ones? Am I being judgmental now? Am I judging my thoughts too harshly?

What’s on your list? Like, for real, take out a pen and paper and make a list. Who do you want validation from? Whose approval do you need to feel good in this moment? No judging. Just the truth. Just what you feel. It’s weird, right? Approval is such a basic human need, but it feels so scary and a little dirty making this list, doesn’t it?

I think we can work through our lists together, asking, “Why do I need validation or approval from this person?” and “Do I really need them to give it?” or “Is this validation one that I can give myself?” Or how about, “If this validation or approval never comes, in what ways can I move forward anyway?”

So, I’ve started this blog. Come explore with me. If you are here reading this, you probably have it, too. That intense need for external validation, to be seen, to be held, to be loved. I wish I could just tell you to love yourself and that those words would make it all okay, but I know it doesn’t work that way. It’s so much more complicated and much harder.

I’m not even sure I love myself yet. Maybe I do?? There are days when I like myself for things that I’ve accomplished, but that’s not love. Love is not conditioned on what we do. There’s probably no one in your life you *truly* love based only on what they do. Think about this one hard. Am I right?

And I don’t know the ultimate goal yet. Am I supposed to develop more self love? YES! Can I still want approval from others? Also, yes. But, where do I want to be ultimately? It certainly is not a place where I am all alone, only validating myself. As humans, we are naturally social. We are group creatures, albeit individually to different extents.

I guess I just want to get to a place where I love myself, am comfortable wanting approval from others, but don’t need approval from others. Like, I can accept these feelings of wanting validation, but can go ahead and thrive without it, because I love myself. Yes, I want to finally love myself. I know you do, too. 

I’ve admittedly also had a hard time loving and liking my physical body, but I’ve decided that I want to be much more defiant than that. I don’t want to give into those negative thoughts about my body. “Girl,” I say, “just put on that swimsuit.” So, I will. All. The. Dang. Time. So don’t be alarmed when you see me flaunting my swim fashions. It’s a lifestyle, y’all! And it’s my first step toward loving myself.

I do hurt some days waiting for all these validations and approvals. Many are not coming. So, regarding exploring the emotional need for external validation? Let’s run with it! All in all, I’m doing swimmingly well. Come join me. The water’s warm.

Until next time, 

Joy