I’ve Gained a Lot of Weight (and I’m okay!)

So, I’ve gained a lot of weight. You can see it in my clothes, you can see it in my swimsuits. My psychiatrist says it’s from unresolved trauma due to a heart-wrenching break up in 2020. No doubt, I’ve been left with a gaping wound in my heart. Where I had a friend and lover, I spend most of my time alone now. It hurts.

I have also spent most of my childhood and adult life restricting myself into binges and vice versa. I’ve been to almost every eating disorder facility in Indiana at some point. So, yeah, food and I have battled.

And then there’s the medications for my bipolar disorder and depression that increase my appetite. It’s an uphill battle, right?

I do workout, perhaps the reason why I’ve gained a lot of weight but have maintained my shape and sanity. I lift heavy, I lift consistently, I lift for empowerment. There’s nothing like walking out of the gym early in the morning, legs a little shaky, but feeling oh so great, because my workout is done and the day is just beginning! 

Last year, I could say I had lost almost 100 lbs. This year, I’m at least 35 lbs heavier. Yes, I’ve gained a lot of weight, but I’m not freaking out about it (which, considering past patterns of behaviors, is a sigh of relief).

• No, my weight does not define me. 
• Yes, I’m working hard to get to a healthier weight. 
• No, I will not resort to unhealthy behaviors this time.

Because, I’m trying to love myself. I want to see myself through the same eyes that the creator of the universe sees me through, acknowledging my strength, my sparkle, my uniqueness, my joy.

Did I mention I did a beauty pageant last week? I didn’t win. I didn’t cry, either. And then I won the non-finalist swimsuit award at the end of the night. So cool, right? I mean, I have a  whole blog devoted to self love in a swimsuit!

I guess confidence looks really, truly good on me, you know? I strutted my stuff on the pageant stage, in a larger body, and my god, I really won an award for it! I’m on cloud 9!

So, my advice for you today is, whatever size and shape your body is right now, in this moment, whether you want to change it or not, go ahead and love it. Go ahead and love yourself. 

The BIble says to love your neighbor as yourself. You must love yourself first. Let’s be the light!

You are beautiful! I am, too. I have devoted the next year to more pageant preparation and healthier portion sizes. I may not be perfect, but I am doing swimmingly well.

Love,

Joy